For the most part, almost anything that comes out of Franklin’s mouth runs all up over me. Today, Jose took the corvette (really a Toyota tercel) to get Kevin to come over. He took the Toyota for 2 reasons. First to check out how it did on the snow so that he could give Franklin some tips before Franklin headed into work today. And secondly, it does save gas compared to the pickup. On his way home, Jose got a flat. i suspect he ran over something in the snow that he couldn’t see. He had stopped at Crossroads to purchase a fix it flat, and that didn’t work so he was going to have to change the tire and wanted me to bring him the good jack from the truck. When I told Franklin that I was going to go get his dad, his response was…what did he do to the car to make it have a flat. To which my first thought was, what the hell does it matter what he did. It’s not like he did it on purpose, and it’s his damn car if he wants to run it over the bridge he can, what’s it to you? His second sentence was, what am I going to drive to work. In response to which, I took a deep breath, and said let’s get them all home in one piece and we’ll worry about that later. When really I wanted to just tell him to quit being so damn selfish. I am not one for foul language for the most part, but I often cuss at Franklin in my head, which emphasizes to me the fact that i am harboring a deep seated anger. It’s all those little things that when they’re 12, you tolerate, but when they’re 19 you are so done with. Like knowing you have chores to be done by 10:00 a.m. and getting up at 9:45 to start them and believing that starting them before 10:00 is the same as having them finished by 10:00 and then getting pissy when you learn that that is indeed NOT the case. It’s walking by a full trash can for three days and not wanting to have to go and say, will you please take out the trash. In general it’s his failure to meet minimum expectations. But it’s not just that failure. It is accompanied by a general sense of entitlement. Like, did you buy ink for the computer because i need to print for class. I don’t want to take psychology because it’s too hard. I don’t want to take economics because it’s too hard. I don’t want to work more than 2 days a week because i have 5 classes. I don’t want to apologize for hitting Isaiah in the face with a soccer ball because he hurt my arm. These things, in combination with his personality’s tendency to keep thoughts to himself and not really converse with Jose or myself just combine to piss me off.
Now, to be fair, I am going to step back and acknowledge that in large part it is my desire to control my environment and my inability to do so that is making me mad. I want my house and my life to run the way that I want it to run and have been quite successful in creating a life that functions successfully for me. Franklin is gumming up my works and then refusing to move or assist or do anything. And because he is 19 and has a penis, there is really little any point in talking to him. He’s not going to listen much past the phrase, I am so pissed off at you I can’t see straight. I know this is true, because I have had this conversation with him in the past, and he has not made any effort to change his behaviors. So the behaviorist in me identifies that he must be getting some reward for this behavior. He is content and happy in this current situation, if he weren’t then he wouldn’t continue in this vein. And if I want to change his behavior, I need to change his environment. And when I think of ways to change his environment to elicit the response that I desire, I feel as if I’m playing games and being mean. On Saturdays, I don’t want to let him sleep in until 9:45. I want to open his door at 7:00 a.m. and make him get up when the rest of us are up and working instead of him coming in 2 hours after we’ve finished, and then still not getting all his stuff done. But there’s this side of me, this sort of new age hippy thing i guess, that says, let him grow and learn on his own. He must make mistakes and suffer consequences so that he might learn. But you know, I’ve tried that and it’s not working and I'm pissed off. So I think that I might just have to tell that new age hippy person to piss off and do what needs to be done.
Is this that moment in parenthood when you say, they are adults we should transition into being friends. We should evolve into the next stage of our development. But when you look at your child and see how they behave, you realize that you don’t want to be their friend, they are a freaking idiot and you are surprised that they can feed themselves and wipe their butt let alone be responsible – especially since their concept of responsible is that manage to get to class on time. (did I mention the disappointed shock that Franklin had that his English teacher this semester expected his assignments to be turned in as soon as he walked into class, not just sometime that day? Or that he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to get up in time for an 8:00 class – and psychology 100 is hard – oh my god, whatever – do all 19 year olds act 12?). Is this that moment that you look at your 19 year old and see him as 30 and still living in your house and doing the same thing as he’s doing right now. Jose’s so sure that Franklin will live here forever. I’m pretty sure that he won’t. Because he thinks that his life here is too restricted. He doesn’t, he feels, have enough freedoms. He doesn’t get to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He’s sure that that will be resolved when he has his own car. He’s certain that when he has his own apartment in a year that everything will be better. And it’s true, he will have more freedom then. And he will then have 20.00 to live on for 2 weeks. At which point, I will offer him food in exchange for conversation. And maybe then, we will become friends. And until then, I suppose that I must do what I must do to keep myself from going crazy. And I must let go of the tentative nature in which I have interacted with Franklin in the past. I have not truly treated him as a child, and in that I have failed him. I treated him as an exchange student or a foster child – ultimately deferring to Jose for interventions. Which still left me pissed off. So no more that. What’s the worse that could happen? He’ll get his own place, see what i mean about being responsible and come to eat and we can have great conversation. Actually that’s the best worst case scenario. The worse case scenario is that he moves out and we never see him again…but somedays that doesn’t sound as bad as it should. And this is why it is better for your child to live on campus when they go to college if you can afford it. And that is why I’m saving for Elijah and Isaiah right now.
It used to really annoy me when I'd spend time with my sister. Every two seconds her phone would chime and up it would come and she’d begin to type furiously with her thumbs. I mean, here I am, talking to you right now and you got to piddle with your phone. My sister who doesn’t much care for computer, technology or the like is now a blackberry ho. And Franklin, would stare enviously at others who were texting, reading texts, sending texts, typing into their phone….and ask frequently for the service to be added. And I, invariably said no. There’s nothing that you need texting for. It was my technology wall, and I wasn’t going to cross it. There was really no point. But then, Franklin made me grumpy. And I added the cheapest texting plan to my phone. 200 messages a month. Nothing extravagant. And it wasn’t too bad. It was o.k. I could send a little note to someone, or get a short note from someone. Sort of like portable email. For Christmas, I upgraded the family plan and got unlimited texting for 2 months for Franklin’s Christmas present. And suddenly the concept of texting changed. suddenly, everyone had their phone and was looking at it frequently. Texts had emerged as the new package delivery from UPS or FED EX, which is what email used to be, or snail mail before that. Getting a text was paramount to opening a present. What was it going to say. Who was it from. Did anyone send me something? What about now? what about now? now? now? I'll just check one more time…nothing, maybe soon. How did that happen. Why did it happen. I know that I have increased my use of texting, since now I'm in the you said unlimited and I'm going to make sure that i make you regret it phase. But in many cases, I find that i prefer texting to any other form of communication. Why? There are many different reasons.