My aunt betty recently passed away. And I have to say that Oh MY God It Was the Worse Funeral Ever!!! I don’t know how many funerals you’ve been to, but I do know that going to only one bad funeral is all you need in order to put your affairs in order.
My Aunt Betty passed away the weekend after Thanksgiving. Now, my Aunt Betty was a fashion-ista if ever there was one. She didn’t leave the house unless she was looking her best. And if she didn’t look her best, you better believe she wasn’t feeling well. This woman who was definitely the red suit type of woman – was buried in what appeared to be man’s button down shirt that was about 3 sizes too big and some loose frumpy skirt. She was frumpy – My Aunt Betty was never frumpy a day in her life.
And then the actual funeral. My goodness, I don’t know who the man was who gave the sermon, but I do believe that he had just been released from Western State Hospital. He spent more time telling us how he didn’t want to die and leave his wife – and how it says in the Bible that you won’t recognize the people you love when you get to heaven and if that was the case he wasn’t so sure he wanted to go. I kept waiting for a word of comfort to come out – and occasionally he would mention that Aunt Betty was in heaven – but then he’d say something that made heaven seem to be a really terrible place to be. Now, the music was pretty good – but that may be because Daddy and Jodi were the ones who were singing. And Aunt Betty’s daughter got up and said a few words, as well as Caroline, Aunt Betty’s granddaughter. That part of the service was really good – and I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.
Anyway, as I was walking out of the funeral home, I decided that it was important to know what you wanted to do during a funeral. Now, personally, I’m not planning on having a funeral. Why you ask? Well, do I need to remind you of my 13th birthday party. I am not paying a bunch of money for a funeral to which on one will attend. For the very few people that I know that I think will come to my funeral, I’m thinking that they can come to the house or something. Besides, I’m going to be cremated. I’m still flirting with the idea of donating my body to science – because then they cremate you for free and send you back after a year. At which point, anyone who is still alive will be ready to go on a trip to dump my ashes someplace cool. Of course if Jose is thinking of using that dump the ashes thing as a free second honeymoon then my spirit will come right back down and crash his plane.
So, I suppose when I think of funerals, I don’t really think of my own. I think of my grandma walker’s and my mom’s. I think grandma walker’s should be a more formal, traditional affair. I’m sure daddy will give the sermon – he did for granddaddy walker. But I think it would be nice for Jodi or someone to get up and say something. But Mom’s funeral I think is going to be different. I think we’ll have joyful not sorrowful music. I can already hear Spirit in the Sky blasting the funeral home speaker system. And I know that she has often mentioned having a new Orleans brass band playing – but I’m not sure we’ll be able to pull that one off – but maybe some music.
If anyone has seen love actually – I would love the video slide show thing – or the movie with all the pictures and happy memories put together. Laughter through tears sort of thing.
The other thing that struck me as I was sitting in the funeral - trying not to listen to the crazy man who was telling us that dying sucked for everyone – was that when you are in a funeral – you grieve not just for the person who has just died. You grieve for every loss you have ever had. It is the biggest, most intense pity party ever held. But it is cathartic. There is release and you do feel better after it is all said and done. I suppose it’s the same at weddings – the reason why people cry when they aren’t really that close to the bride or groom – because it’s a new beginning, a rite of passage, a momentous, life-changing event – and we are either remembering our own, imagining that of our own children, or perhaps mourning some lost chance / love. Either way – there is an outpouring of emotions – and I suppose it explains why so many people get laid right after. Though I must say that I have never had funeral sex -- but then I haven’t been looking for it either – so who knows – maybe the next funeral I’ll get lucky.
