Today, Franklin and I had a really good talk - a visit really. And it all came about because of a creative punishment. You see, Franklin was supposed to ride the bus to my school so that we could go, as a family, to buy Jose's birthday present. A mini version of the FFO if you will. And Franklin, in the wisdom of all of his 17 years, decided that he really didn't want to do that. Rather than calling to say that he didn't want to do that, or calling to make up some excuse, Franklin merely boarded the bus home. When I called him at 3:30 to inquire as to the reason for his absence, Franklin said that he didn't feel good. Now, I admit that in the major scheme of things, this is a small thing. But there is a larger underlying principle involved - and an act of open defiance (which although common in teens, is not necessarily something that I wanted to encourage). A precendent had been set, and had to be met with some consequence.
Now, because I do possess a modicum (minute though they may be) of skills dealing with teenagers -- I did not storm into his room in anger. I merely popped my head in his door and said, "you couldn't call?" And when that received no response, I used a little paraphrasing and turned it into "Why didn't you call." And I received THE (capital letters, the one and only, every parent will hear this answer at least once if not a thousand times beginning at age 2) ANSWER.... "i don't know." And my parenting moment comes from acknowledging that those 3 words are perhaps the most annoying in the entire English language. When I taught high school students and recieved this answer, I would always say that I don't know is a lazy answer that means you don't want to think. The parental version of this statement elicited the response, "I didn't think you'd let me come home." Which, in all honesty, was a pretty fair respone. As it turns out, today, I would have let him come home because Elijah had, unbeknownst to me, invited and arranged (including note from the other parent) for his friend Riley to come over and play after school - so the family shopping event had to be post poned anyway.
Anyway, being a fair minded individual, I asked Franklin what he thought would be a fair punishment. Acknowleding that it wasn't a big deal - but did have some serious implications - and there needed to be a fair consequence. Again, "I don't know." So I offered some encouragement, with the parental come back - either you offer a suggestion, or I'll have to come up with something that really sucks. I was thinking of taking the phone and the zune. Franklin's response was . . . the fatal "that's o.k." Instantly, being the guru of discipline that I am, I was more than aware that the loss of those items was not and adequate punishment. He didn't care!!! And then, inspiration struck. His bedroom door. Franklin is a strict guardian of privacy and his space. He doesn't want the dogs in his room, or toys, or too many people. He keeps his door shut all the time. And so, his punishment is that his door must remain open for 3 days. And instantly, Franklin was agitated -- and I had succeeded. It's no different than when you're child is being so very annoying and is about to get in trouble - but you don't want him to be in trouble MAD - you want him in trouble CRYING! why? so that we feel better. Ha! Ha! I made you as grumpy as you made me! And with Franklin's door - well, there was something that made him as annoyed as I had been for a few brief moments that afternoon. It was something that mattered. Sounds mean and petty I know - but well - some parent moments are both - and they aren't all bad parent moments either.
And then, when it was all said and done, we sat and chatted - just about stuff: about how parents don't want their children to make the same mistakes they made - but how kids need to make mistakes so that they can learn to be adults -- a little bit about girls (and how they are essentially evil especially with other girls) - And tonight, as I was putting the dogs out - and picking up a few things - if only to keep Jose from being so terribly grumpy in the morning - I went to check on Franklin's door - and there it was open (even though he said it would make him feel like he was sleeping outside - and that he didn't think he could sleep with it open) - and I didn't have to remind him, or ask him, it just was. And so, being my mother's child - I turned on the light and told him that he was not a bad kid at all -- even though he was sleeping and won't remember. And as I finish this entry - I am fighting the tempation to put food in his room so the dogs will hang out there for the entire 3 days. (I have decided that some part of parenting is also tied very closely to sibling relationships - or maybe that's just for me -- and definitely for another entry.)
