Response to Friendship

Apparently there is a country western song that has the lyrics to the effect Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching.  Taking that a step further, there’s a book called If I found a Wistful Unicorn, and one of the lines in that book is something along the lines if I danced alone would you watch me.  And the dancing point of both of these really hit me – because dancing is both an expression of pure joy and one of the most embarrassing things someone can do – especially when someone is less than lithe, sprite, and coordinated.

What’s the point?  A friend of mine responded to this blog with the comment that I make friends like I’ve never been hurt and she wished she could be more like that.  And it brought to mind both the quote from the song and the book. And for those of you reading this, be prepared, because it leads in many different directions and as I don’t edit what I write, it’s going to be a bit scattered.

First, let me say that such an observation I take as a huge compliment.  To me it denotes that within me is the fool who jumps in where the angel fears to tread.  And that can be a bad thing, or a good thing.  The attitude is a fundamental difference between me and my husband.  It’s the 5 year old in me whose scraping through piles of horseshit looking for the pony that must be nearby.  And if you’ve ever read Linda Goodman’s love signs – you’ll know that she proposes that Cancer people tend to put everyone on a pedastel – everyone is wonderful, perfect, great, terrific – and woe is he that turns out to be human.  Case in point, when I was in 8th grade and had a crush on Stacey Gardner (life guard who I believe I learned later was gay – really the story of my life there) I was utterly shocked when I saw him one summer day at the pool go into the boys restroom.  Oh my god!  He had to pee!  He pees!  How can the demigod that was Stacey Gardner have to pee?!  And immediately, we had something in common.  To Mr. Gardner’s credit, as I was stalking him (calling all the time, conducting several call and hang-ups thank god for no *69 or caller ID) (and another aside, this is the same technique – I kid you not – that I used to stalk my husband) he was always very kind and patient.  Though I knew there was no interest, and he never encouraged my attentions, he never called me a fat cow and told me not to call either.  Perhaps he saw my future potential as a fag hag and didn’t want to burn his bridges.  In fact, most of the boys that I had bizarre crushes on were never mean or hateful to my face (and I am unaware of anything said behind my back – and ignorance is bliss – believe it).  I think inherently that boys are better about that sort of thing.  Girls would make a point of hurting someone’s feelings, or using them if for no other reason than they could.  And because I’ve never been a really girly girl, I never had girl friends.  In fact, for the most part, I don’t really like girls that much.  I don’t have a lot in common with them.  I don’t like to shop, I don’t do make-up, hair, shopping, purses, shoes, soap operas, or anything like that.  And the women who have come into my life and been my friends, well they aren’t those prissy, sororiety types either – (please note that I am aware of the stereotype that I’m presenting but you get the idea).  So when my friend wrote that I make friends like I’ve never been hurt, well she’s right.  I have never been hurt by a friend that I’ve had.  I may sometimes be disappointed.  I often look at my life and the people in it and wonder why no one is beating a path to my door and wanting to spend time with me.  But then I step back and say to myself “you know you don’t want to spend all that time with someone else anyway.  You know that you’ll get on each other’s nerves.  And if you like people who are like you, then you should expect them to behave like you – and that means no one is Courtney Cox, Jennifer Anisten, Sarah Jessica Parker or the rest.”  The other part of it comes with my tendency to try to figure out who kicked their cat.  The kicked the cat thing was the only useful thing I learned the summer I sold books door to door for Southwest Book Company.  And the point they made was that you are going to knock on someone’s door and they are going to be in a bad mood.  And you have to realize that it’s a chain of events that created that not you.  The head of the company chewed out the vice president, who chewed out the district manager, who chewed out the manager, who chewed out the employee, who went home and kicked his cat.  So when someone is angry, or defensive, or aggressive, or remote, then I try to see what is making them that way – and sometimes, it’s not me – and sometimes if it is me, I don’t really care – because ultimately, their reaction is their choice.  

Now my friend said that she tended to keep people at arms length, to have no expectations, no hope and therefore no chance of ever getting hurt.  And that if she thought she was getting to close to someone, then she invariably did something that would put distance between herself and the other person.  And to me, (right or wrong, and remember I’m no dr. phil) this speaks to a belief that she doesn’t deserve to really be happy – or that someone couldn’t really like or love her.  And I’ve been there.  I’ve held the belief that no one would ever find me worthy.  Who would want to be my friend, my mate, my anything other than employer (cause I’m a good worker).  And I finally let go of trying to determine what other people thought.  It sort of stemmed from the movie Torch Song Trilogy where Anne Bancroft tells Harvey Firestein that he excluded her from his life and then blamed her for not being there.  I realized that the reason that I wasn’t with anyone and didn’t really have the  type of relationships that I wanted to have was because I wasn’t letting those things happen in my life.  And once I realized that, well then (like the butterfly who will come and rest on your finger when you stop chasing it) everything just fell into place.  But it was all about me and what I wanted and what I was o.k. with.  

So, I’ve decided to just be me – and let that be enough.  I am constantly surprised when people compliment me, or feel that I have some special talent or gift.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the praise – and still feel very  much the little child when someone pays me said compliment.  And I still suspect that there will be several seats available at my funeral should I choose to have one – but that’s o.k too –

I am grateful for the acknowledgement and compliment given to me by my friend.  And I’m glad that she trusted me enough to offer me this insight into her personality and her fears.  It explained a lot (as having children has sucked my desire to observe and analyize others – I tend to spend that time now staring off into space or counting the hours until bed time).  And she should know that those of us who love her (not her in-law who tries to make her feel bad about herself) we love her even when she’s antsy and nervous and scared and insecure – And she can be who she wants to be, believe what she wants to believe and act how she wants to act (as long as it isn’t like her sister) and we will love her anyway – and will give her space and time when she needs it.

And that’s all I got to say bout that