Zen and the Art of Home Repair
This is what I’ve learned about home maintenance during my relatively brief stint as a home owner.
- No matter how much you argue, disagree, and frustrate each other, every home repair requires at least 2 people. One of them will invariably be relatively competent, and the other have no vague idea about what is going on.
- Both will feel they know how to best solve a problem.
- Each repair will require at least 4 – YES 4 – visits to the Lowe’s or Home Depot. These visits will follow this pattern.
- I’m such a good home owner
I have all I need to fix the sink (toilet, window, carpet, couch, insert problem name here). This visit will require that you spend at least one hour in the store, not counting drive time.
- Oops, I forgot one main part of what I needed.
This visit will require about 10 minutes, not counting drive time.
At this point you realize that you need a connector for the new piece so that it will work with the old piece that I already have. This visit will require about 30 minutes, as you will have to wait 25 minutes for someone to appear in the aisle where you are staring dazedly at all the parts so that you can ask them to help you.
- You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me
During this stage you will be returning to Lowe’s to purchase the original piece that you broke while trying to attach it to the new piece. You will have every old piece that you have taken off, all the new pieces that didn’t work, and all the broken pieces that don’t fit anything anymore. This stage will take another hour and half. During this time you will wonder if you’ve invested too much money in the home repair to make hiring someone to fix the problem beyond your means.
- Either the We Don’t Really Need it or Thank God, it Works
During this stage you have either given up on the project and moved the offending item to the basement. Or you have figured out a way to make it work at least as well as it did before you began your home repair. If the latter, you have called every member of your family and any friend who has even an iota of repair skill to talk you through the process. You then keep the dirty little secret that what took 3 minutes and required none of the items you purchased at Lowe’s actually took you 8 hours to 2 days and was almost the reason you used for filing for divorce.
What We Learned:
- Dry Fit, Dry Fit, Dry Fit – that purple stuff that holds PVC piping together – it doesn’t come off once you put it together – EVER
- Measure Twice, Cut Once – actually, I find measuring about 4 times – what you’re cutting and where it’s supposed to go – and then again – and then getting someone else to double check. And if you’re not sure – cut big – because you can always make it a little smaller.
- TAKE EVERYTHING TO THE STORE – it really makes things easier.
- READ THE BOX – because there will be some part of a kit that won’t be included in the kit – probably some vital hose or some nonsense and you will need it to finish your project.
- KEEP YOUR FATHER HEALTHY – because he’s already learned all this crap and really, we need all the help we can get.
