I few weeks ago, I defriended someone on facebook. More than that I defriended them in my life as well. It’s not the first time in my life that I have had such a moment, a bitter goodbye, an intentional parting of ways. And it seems as if I react the same each and every time. There is the last straw moment. That moment in which every little thing that you have swallowed, tried to accept, argued over, cried over comes up and says no more. And for about 3 days, you are just proud of yourself for not taking any more crap. It’s the next stage that I don’t much care for. It’s the should’ve stage. It’s the part where I replay everything that has happened and try to resolve it in a different way… a better way. Not necessarily in a manner that salvages the relationship, but in a manner in which you don’t have any regrets. I suppose that’s why I replay the whole thin in my head over and over again. It’s almost like putting iodine on a cut. Sure it stings, but it stings in a good way – sort of. Somehow, the pain is part of the process – and not always an unenjoyable part. You know that as soon as you spray on the iodine, that it will begin to heal the wound. And you keep going back – and why is that. Why do we continue to seek the sting? Is it so that we can become accustomed or indifferent to the bigger hurt through a series of little hurts? Do I repeat the phrase “I figured you’d backpeddle” (infamous last words from defriended person) over in my head because … because why? I simply don’t understand why I keep going back there and replaying the whole thing in my head. I suppose, for me,there’s a lack of satisfaction because I didn’t say all the things I wanted to say. I didn’t get mean and hateful and hurtful like I really wanted to. Sure, doesn’t that make me a great person – but I’m pretty certain that such goodness is negated by all the hateful, hurtful jibes that I have issued in my mind since that moment. And I think that’s it. I don’t regret the end of the relationship. It was more than time for it to end, it had served it’s purpose and really already died a natural death. But it’s the fact that my feelings were hurt and I didn’t get to hurt back. What does that say about me, that I feel the need to make someone else miserable. And really, if not saying those mean, hateful things, makes me carry around crap for days, months, years on end why should I not say it at the time. Why is holding your tongue taking the high road. On the flip side, what would have the words have accomplished. Nothing. It would merely have escalated the whole thing to a higher level. And eventually, someone would have to step back and say done. And then what sort of mental conversations would I have had? It just seems that life would be a little bit better if by taking the high road and holding your tongue, you didn’t feel robbed somehow, cheated. But in the long run, I suppose I’d rather than feel cheated than hurt – because hurt is the only thing that I’m really not – because I no longer cared about the person, and her opinions matter less than nothing to me and haven’t for a very long time. I just didn’t win the contest of words, because I walked away.. and losing sucks.
