There are many things in my life that I’m grateful for. Today, I’m grateful that I didn’t have to on the first grade field trip, and that none of my students have issues with defecating. But more importantly, I am so very grateful for my eldest son Elijah. Today, for some reason we were having a conversation about 9/11. He wanted to know what I was doing when it happened. What was my reaction. And I told him how I was at work, and I wouldn’t let the kids watch the news because I didn’t realize what a significant event it was. But it was that event that made me first truly feel patriotic. It was the first time that I felt as if I identified with every other person in the entire nation, not just the few people that I knew. That ultimately, we were one. It was sort of how I feel at the olympics while I hope that every other country will fall down and lose, even those from the really bad countries who’ve had a really hard life and really deserve to win… I even hope they’ll fall down and lose. But it was more than that. It wasn’t about rooting against another team, it was about understanding and appreciating the team that I was on. And of course, any talk of doom and demise led to 2012 end of world predictions, by way of, what would you do if you were on that last plane and had to call and talk to your family. What would you say to those you loved if you knew it was the last time that you were going to talk to them at all. And I told Elijah that there were many things that I wanted to know. i want to know more about so many things, but if I never had to know that thing then I was fine. And that is where 2012 entered into the conversation. Because wouldn’t it just suck to know when the end was coming and have to count down – but not really be able to do anything about it. I mean if December 21, 2012 is really the time of a great cataclysm (and not just the date that the mayan calendar maker got to before he died because he didn’t know you need to really cook pork and not eat it raw – and we trust him…) then how should we be living our lives and treating people who matter. Then I decided that if I were to have to die in such a fashion, I wanted to be driving down the road, laughing with the boys about something silly and then have my car (my brand new car that I hadn’t even made one payment on) hit by a meteorite and we all died instantly, laughing. And then, we had to change the conversation topic because the whole 2012 really freaks us both out a bit if we think about it too much. And damn that history channel for making me think of it more than I’d want to. But the thought is there. That it’s really a choice of living to find something happy each day. To treat those we care about with kindness (and to have patience and bite our tongue when those we care for who also have a penis and a sense of glass 1/2 empty and only see the negative and speak of it with a heavily accented el salvadoreno voice). It means living every day so that when you curl into bed with your cheesy romance novel that you know should be something more substantial but isn’t going to be, that you regret nothing (especially not the bodice ripping, turgid manhood man who could be the one with a penis and a glass 1/2 empty and only see the negative and speak of it with a heavily accented el salvadoreno voice if you hold your eyes 1/2 closed – ooh lucky him). And let me say it’s hard. It’s hard to not let the being tired and grumpy come out of you. It’s hard to not be sarcastic with your children. It’s hard to hear your children expressing their frustration with the same loud voice you use and worry that this is the lesson that they have learned from you; and harder still to try to change so they learn a better one, not the easy one. And all of this, from a conversation with my 9 year old son – who seems so often so much older than 9, though I don’t talk to many 9 year olds – or any except him. But in my defense, none of them ask the same kinds of questions that he asks. So, I am eternally grateful that I am able to talk about those things that I value and that are important with him and he can understand and share his thoughts too (like really when they say they are thinking of nothing, they really are thinking nothing, absolutely nothing). And not to leave out Isaiah –I am grateful for his crinkle-eyed smile that reminds me of my Grandaddy Walker, I love that he is always ready to go and do something, anything. And I love how his bossy Amy words come out in a helium sounding voice. It puts it all in perspective somehow. So, though it’s late for new year’s resolutions, how about I make an April resolution – to try to live like there will be no tomorrow… join me.
