Times They Are a Changing or Living Life Fat

So this week and next week have been what Steve Covey would call transition moments. i have been working toward a momentous change in my life since December, thank you Dr. Gass for your promise that it would be ok, safe and that you'd feel bad if I died. This Tuesday, July 30th at 7:30 in the morning, I am going to have a gastric sleeve procedure. This means that approximately 80% of my stomach is going to be removed (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleeve_gastrectomy). After 3 years of trying to successfully lose weight with a doctor's assistance, by myself, with fad diets, etc, I have decided that the surgery is going to be the way to go. My first feelings about capitulating to the surgery was that i was admitting failure. I couldn't do this on my own, what sort of loser was I. But then, when I realized all the really hard mental and physical work that goes into the the post-surgical life, I didn't feel quite so bad. Same amount of work, but with results. I have been fat for as long as I can remember. Strike that I was chubby when I was little. After my appendix ruptured when I was 12, I slid on over to fat and stayed there for the next 32 years. My weight has been the best security blanket and worse nightmare that a girl could ever want. I didn't have friends in high school, no one really liked me, because I was fat. I never had a boyfriend, my first boyfriend was WAY GAY, because I was fat. In relationships being fat gave me an easier reason for these than honestly facing my personal demons -- although who are we kidding, no one faces those personal demons when they are a teenager. So, on the cusp of this surgery, I am overcome with fear. Part of me is really afraid of the surgery. But the biggest part of me is full of fear like I imagine I would be if someone asked me to jump off the edge of the grand canyon with a parachute, a bungee, and any number of other safety restraints. My greatest excuse for my relationship failures (which to my mind include my lack of inclination to create relationships) will be diminishing. This extra person that I've been carrying around with me in the form of body fat, is comfortable. It's cozy. Oh, and it likes to best restaurants and has such great ideas for desserts. That person will be gone, and I have to figure out what to put in its place. That's scary. At least for me. But, as I've spent this week in deep, wild introspective reflection and self-analysis, I have to also own the fact that my quest to find the snarky comment is another tool I've used to maintain distance between myself and everyone. Defensive me wants to say that using humor is a way to find the bright side, to lighten the load. And that's true enough I suppose. But it's also a way to keep anyone from seeing vulnerability, fear, insecurity. And shouldn't there be people in our lives who we let see those things? Shouldn't there be people in our lives who share those burdens. I have worked hard for the past weeks to keep myself from being emotional in front of people. I have been less successful with those people whom I love and trust the most, but even with those select few, I have tried to keep these unwanted outbursts to a minimum. And why is that I've asked myself. And the answer I get to is trust. And the lack is all on me. I am afraid to let people see the not quick witted, snotty nose, scared, frightened, insecure, jealous me. It's not their fault, it's mine. And sitting here, I'm thinking to myself "but, i don't know how to do that." But I imagine that it's probably a bit like any skill. I'm going to have to practice to get better. But I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like any of this any more than I'm going to like diet and exercise. However, if i'm willing to make this big physical change in order to make my life longer and better, then I better make this commitment to my persona life as well, or what's the point really. So, welcome one and all the the starting line. And here's hoping that the route is scenic. I thank everyone for their love and support.