I found this when i was looking for samples of personal narratives for class. I haven't read it for a while - It may not hold much truth now - but it was something a year ago I guess.
Being alone is never an easy thing. Most people spend their entire life devoted to avoiding the prospect of being alone. We develop friendships so that we aren’t alone when we don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. And more often than not, those friendships suffer when do find that special someone. Why? Because we don’t want to risk losing the possibility of a permanent person in our lives. And then there are those who must resort to pets and plants to fill the void of human contact. And finally, the no person, no pets, no plants people who spend hours typing in chat rooms or watching television. With all our efforts to avoid being alone, it’s hard to imagine that anyone would choose to be alone. What idiot would push away that person who could forever fill the void of alone? Well, that would be me.
I am not a social butterfly, and that is a huge understatement. I am not a party-goer, telephone talker, hang-out type of person. I don’t large, loud crowds at all. Nor I have ever been to one develop acquaintanceships or surface friendships. I have had a very few really good friends, and that’s it. And though I was physically alone, I was never lonely (emotionally alone). I had family, pets, plants, television and computer friends to keep me company. But that all changed the summer I turned 18. That was the summer that I met Craig. Craig, the first person who seemed to be interested in me – not my ability to get homework assignments done correctly and on time. And such attention bowled me over. It was much better than my dog, cat or computer. So, being my nerdy self, I become seriously infatuated with him and the idea of having ---oh my god, it couldn’t be… a BOYFRIEND (gasp, shock, unbelievable). And Craig, well like most 18 year old males, he was more than willing to bask in the glory of my unadulterated, unending worship of his person. He was more than willing to accept gifts and attention, and realized that he didn’t have to really put forth any effort in return.
Now, I’m going to be the first to say that in retrospect, it was the idea of the soul mate that was more important to me than the actual soul mate. I was able to look past all the imperfections and see only what was good and right. It’s sort of like a balding man with a comb-over. That bald man doesn’t see the big bald spot on his head, he honestly sees the hair. That was me, staring right at those three strands of hair on a glaringly shiny bald scalp. For ten years, I looked at what was right. I patiently waited, being the perfect friend. And while I waited, he dated. Can we say codependent? Can we say desperate? Can we say stupid? But my rationale was that I was not alone. It was better to have almost perfect than to have nothing. I was wrong.
During the last two years of this relationship, I began to struggle with the idea of being the last resort. I realize that I am not Miss America – hell, I’m not even a distant cousin of her best friend’s aunt’s neighbor’s dog groomer’s sister’s nephew. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have good things to offer a person. Nor does it mean that I don’t deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for, and put first. And as my thirtieth birthday begin to approach, I began to look ahead. Was this the kind of life that I wanted to lead. Was I setting the kind of example that I would want my daughter (if I had one) to follow. Was I proud of myself. Was I happy or was I settling. The answer to each of these was no. So, I had to make the decision to venture out. To be alone and to be o.k. with that.
It was perhaps the scariest thing that I ever did. The unhappiness and misery that I knew was much better than any unknown unhappiness. What if I was more miserable? And like everyone else, rather than having a rational discussion about this decision. I picked fights. It is much easier to leave angry. It’s even better if you can leave angry, and the other person can leave hurt. Then you win.
Ironically, on the last day, Craig told me that now we would be better friends than ever. We would spend quality time together. We would hang out. We would be equals. And I told him then, that we would never do those things. That once he was gone, he would be gone forever. I was right.
As time passed, I began to see myself as a great idiot. I can not believe that I allowed myself to remain in that situation for such a long time. But there were life lessons to be learned. I learned that being alone is not a bad thing. I learned that because I am not afraid to be alone, I am no longer jealous. I don’t fear being left or betrayed, because I am fine alone. I also learned that though no love or emotion is greater than that first love (that obsessive, where are you every minute of the day, missing you from the kitchen type of love) that that intensity comes more from fear and stupidity than true emotion. Because of this experience, my marriage exists and is much stronger than it would have been if I had never met Craig --- and for that I am grateful. I would not change the events – though it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if it had only taken 6 months to a year instead of a decade. Some of us are just slow learners.
