When I was little – before 4th grade I know for sure because we lived in Greenfield, Missouri, Jodi and I went to see a movie. I don’t remember if Jason was there or not. I don’t really remember if Mom and Robin were there either, but it seems as if they should be. But then again, it was the early 70’s, in small town Missouri – it’s entirely possible that she dropped us off at the theater and we went in alone. I’m pretty sure the name of the movie was the Legend of Boggy Creek. But, again, I’m not sure.Let me tell you what I do remember. There was this big, scary, hairy monster, named big foot. And though I got the impression that really, he just wanted everyone to leave him alone, well, he had a bit of a mean streak. How do I know this? I know this because there were several scenes that I recall of Bigfoot mangling some poor schmuck who didn’t get out of the way quick enough. And this wasn’t a Jason or Freddy horror movie. Oh no! This was a documentary. It was real. Bigfoot was a true story. The part that I remember most vividly is that there was a some guy on the toilet. It must have been a trailer, but maybe not. But there was a small window right next to the toilet. And while man was sitting down and taking care of business, this big shaggy arm burst through the window and attacked him. I remember spending a lot of the rest of the movie under my coat refusing to watch any more. It’s a practice I continue to this day, refusing to watch scary movies. I mean really, who needs it, and who wants to pay for it.
The other thing I remember is that from that moment on, I have been acutely aware that almost every single bathroom in the world seems to have a window next to the toilet. It is perhaps one of my motivations to not lingering in the restroom like real girls. Never linger in the restroom with the window, because you just don’t know when or where Bigfoot will strike. And of course, when does Bigfoot attack – when it’s dark (see previous post). He probably uses those damn cats in the trash can as his look out.
At about the same time, there was a movie that came out on television about these trolls that lived under the house or in the ventilation system. And they would come out and grab people and pull them under the stairs. And what did I notice while I was trying to pee as quickly as possible. What was beneath that darkened window, that portal for Bigfoot – an air vent. Oh yes. Not only did I have to hunch over low so that Bigfoot would not be aware that there was anyone on the toilet – but now I had to keep my legs up off the floor so the little troll people wouldn’t come and get me.
And how does my family deal with my childish terrors. In a bizarrely rational fashion. Let me demonstrate.
In the late 1970’s the movie King Kong was released. The one that everyone hates with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lang – but I love it, thought it was a great movie. I cried at the end. Sobbed. Was heart broken. How could they kill King Kong, he didn’t do anything wrong. And my mother, she tells me that King Kong isn’t really dead. No, he was just acting. That wasn’t blood, she reassured me, but actually strawberry syrup. And after he was done pretending to be dead, they used that syrup for pancakes.
Not long after the Bigfoot thing, I had a nightmare one weekend while staying with my dad and his dreadful 2nd wife Gaye. The dream was, of course, about Bigfoot. And my father, he calms me. He tells me that if Bigfoot was to come to the house, well just open the door and ask him to come inside, have something to drink and we’d get him a toasted cheese sandwich. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, he was probably so grumpy because he was just hungry.
No, think about this. Reread the passages if you must, and see if you can see the flaw here. Do you see it? Can you find it? Neither of my parents felt compelled to deny the existence of either creature. There was no – there are no monsters. There are no ghosts in the closet. Bigfoot doesn’t exist, it was all fake. King Kong, he’s just a big machine, not really a monkey at all. Oh no. Not my parents. They supported the illusion of reality. Of course King Kong is real – he’s just acting. He gets paid in bananas. And Bigfoot, that bathroom attacking monster, well he’s really just looking for Denny’s and was trying to get that poor man’s attention.
In retrospect, I don’t know which is better. Creating a definite line between reality or merely smudging it a bit. Perhaps they tried to tell me that said creatures didn’t exist and I didn’t believe them because I was still at the age when I believed that the television was powered by tiny people inside. I do know that as an adult, there’s a part me that sees a great deal of humor (smugness if you will) in the terrors of children. Elijah is scared of the dark, and the mean child in me sometimes wants to turn off the light and say boo! Just because I can. How cruel is that? I suppose ultimately, we create fictions for our children that they will most likely believe and hope for the best. And I think I prefer the fiction to the fact, as it makes for a much more interesting perspective on reality.
