In the past several years, I have often been told that I’m bossy. And I am often taken aback by such a statement. I don’t consider myself bossy. And even as I write that, I am positive that there are at least some of you who are snorting and thinking “:whatever.” So, allow me to clarify.
To me, bossy is someone who is forever telling another person what to do – ordering another to complete a task. And I suppose that is the fundamental difference for me. I don’t order. I ask. I also realize that sometimes when I ask, some people feel put upon or compelled to comply with my request. And I say to them, that is your burden, not mine. Every single request that I have made, I have fully expected to receive a negative response. If I ask someone if they can do something, then I accept that they will say no, they can’t. And that’s fine with me. That they don’t say no, they can’t or no they won’t isn’t my problem. It sounds callous doesn’t it. But in all honestly, learning to say no was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do – and with the learning of it, no longer fear it from others. It probably all goes back to selling books door to door for Southwest book company when I was in college. One of those life lessons that you know you’d never repeat, but what an adventure it was at the time. Call me a sucker for the promise of big money. Because of them, I don’t play the odds on anything. And that in itself is a life lesson. Anyway, when you’re selling books door to door, one thing you learn, and quickly, is to take rejection—and to realize that a no isn’t a personal condemnation – it’s just a no. And because of my horrific experience during that summer, I would speak to every telemarketer, every door to door salesman. I didn’t want to hit them with the same rejection as a salesman that I had suffered through. And then, finally, a young man from southwest book company came to my door. And I seized the opportunity. I bought books from him; the same set of books that I had tried to sell some 13 years before. And I told him as he walked out of the door that finally, I was free. I was never going to have to buy anything from anyone ever again. My debt was paid. And I haven’t bought anything that I didn’t want from anyone since that moment. I don’t feel compelled to donate money to the office envelope, if I don’t want to. I don’t feel guilty if I hang up on (after saying that I’m not interested, thank you for the chance. So, I’m going to hang up and good luck to you.) the random telemarkter (why waste his time with me when I know I’m not buying anything). And all I can say is that it is a freeing experience.
The other side of that coin is the not being afraid to ask. Knowing that there is no malice behind my no, I assume that there is no malice behind yours either. So, why not just check and see. The worse thing that could happen is that you say no. And what’s so bad about that. You might say yes, and that’s even better. That doesn’t mean that I ask for everything. Pride is still an issue there. It’s as if there is a line in the sand and some things – those things that aren’t so personally important – are safe to ask for; while others are forbidden. I don’t ask for money. I have in the past, and I am hopeful that I will never have to do so again. Asking for money is tantamount to admitting to failure and it is a wounding blow. Asking for help is also difficult, but less so as I get older. When I was younger, I felt that asking for help was admitting that I was too stupid or incompetent to complete a task on my own. As I’ve gotten older, I realize that sometimes, I am too stupid or incompetent to complete a task; but the task is important enough that I’d rather have help to get it done right, than not at all. Yes, I have realized that I don’t have to know everything and have begun to identify whole realms of material that I don’t even want to know. And that’s o.k. Perhaps it’s nothing more than the result of growing older and drawing my world in smaller to those things that I can control and those things I can’t. Work on the first, and enjoy the second for what it is – the adventure of living. And as I meander through all of those things over which I have no control, then by all means, let me ask for company, or for help, or for someone to lighten the load – I might get just what I asked for.
