I have a friend – a good friend – that I’ve had for some 17 years – if you don’t count the lost years – which I really don’t. And when I first met this person, I was a very different Amy than I am now. I was extremely insecure. I felt compelled to find the one person who would love me the most. I needed to be the most important person to someone. And during the early years of my silly, obsessive quest, this friend found a letter that I had written and destroyed and pieced it back together.
As the years have progressed, this event has for me become a very good story. But it is without animosity or anger or hatred or any of the emotions that I experienced when it first occurred. And truth be told, and I’m not sure my friend realizes this – though I suspect she does but perhaps she needs me to say it – I was jealous. What was difficult for me, being liked and feeling important, came naturally to her – or so it seemed to me. So I was in competition with my friend – for the affections of a gay boy – don’t ask me to expand on how totally pointless that was – but that’s the case.
So, anyway, on my last post, Terri, my friend, wrote about this incident. And a couple of weeks ago at my son’s birthday party, she told my friend Ashlee about it as well. And it just got me to thinking… about forgiveness in general. During my 36 years, I have much to ask forgiveness for – and asking for forgiveness is just as difficult for me as granting it. In fact, in a church service about a year ago, the preacher talked about forgiveness – and how forgiveness didn’t have to go hand in hand in forgetting. For which I was eternally relieved, because I’m not a big fan on forgetting. I wouldn’t scrapbook or write here if I was of a mind to forget stuff. But forgiveness was letting go of your anger and hurt. It was about not allowing myself to stand in judgement of the one who wronged me and not wishing for really bad things to happen to that person. Not wishing for bad things to happen to a person means that forgiveness comes after some time – as if I’m angry at a person, I really enjoy thinking of really bad things to do or to happen. For example, Amanda at work who didn’t talk to me for an entire year is extremely germ conscious. I mean if you breathe over her food, she won’t eat it – especially if she doesn’t care for you. So during the year that she wasn’t talking to me, I tried to find creative ways to deposit my germs about her desk. I would lick her favorite pen. I would secretly take a drink out of her soda. And as I sit here, I’m hoping that I didn’t tell her about this blog – I’m pretty sure I didn’t – but if I did, and Amanda if you’re reading this – you know I’m joking – why would I do something like that – and ummm… will you forgive me my petty revenge – which though sweet at the time, is really umm… troublesome now? Anyway, forgiveness is a difficult thing for most – and me as well. So, I ask Terri now to forgive me for making the reconstructed letter thing such an issue and hope that she realizes that I’m now glad that she did that – as it is a very funny story and that she knows now that there is nothing I wouldn’t have her know about me. If there’s anyone else out there reading this that I in some way hurt or offended – chances are I’m totally unaware – but if I did hurt or offend you, then I ask you to forgive the action.
I forgive my dad for not realizing that I didn’t care that he was waiting for me to say I wanted a father, I wanted him to be there – physically there – whether I was ready for him or not. I forgive my mom for not always having her crap together and taking us on some strange emotional roller coasters. I forgive my sister for not being the bellsouth telephone commercial sister – if she’ll forgive me the same. I ask for forgiveness from everyone that I know for being judgemental, demanding, bossy, and unbending in so many ways (though if you must know, such traits really work well in many situations – but they do tend to piss people off – but you care less about pissed off people when you’re getting your way). I ask for forgiveness from all those people that I only ½ listened to when they needed my full attention. I ask for forgiveness from anyone who expects me to really really care about the trauma in their life when I tend to worry more about my own -- I ask my husband for forgiveness for listening like a man (men are from mars, women are from venus) and offering suggestion after suggestion when all he wants to do is vent – and then getting angry at him when he doesn’t want my suggestion. And I think I’ll stop right there as the longer I go – well the more I seem like a really bad person and we really can’t be having that.
