In my last post, I discussed the question "what was the thing that you most wished that you could have changed about your high school expierence?" and "What high school experience has had the longest lasting effect on your life there after?"
I spent a while this weekend pondering this question for myself. I prefer to live my life in such a way that I am satisfied with each day and wouldn't change a thing. To be fair, I wasn't quite at such a level of development at the ages of 14 - 17 when I was in high school. So, I have allowed myself to think of one thing that I would have changed. Ironically, it is the one thing that I couldn't change without totally altering my entire life.
I have decdided that the one thing that I would have changed in my life is that I wouldn't have waited for an invitation; or rather, shouldn't have. If you have ever watched the nature chanel shows about meerkeets, you may know that they are very much tribal animals. There is a leader a hierarchy. And new arrivals have to court and woo in order to be included. They can not, if they wish to survive, merely sit along the fringe of the group and wait for someone to come over and say - hey do you want something to eat, somewhere to sleep, pick a do you want. And at this moment, putting it into that perspective, I realize that I never could have done it. Then and now, I have never had the energy or desire to actively seek the approval of someone else (if you exclude my tendencies to stalk boys that I have hopeless crushes on -- which is a whole other blog). And at 38, I know that about myself. And perhaps at 17, I knew that as well because I never actively pursued inclusion into the group. Although, I must also admit - actively seeking entrance is also actively seeking rejection - and who really wants to go there? God knows there is little worse than giving your best effort and being shot down. It's really not unlike those at-risk kids in the classroom who no longer make an effort to learn or participate because every effort to do so has met with rejection and failure. Much better, much easier, much safer to just say forget it, I don't care. And 20 years later, I was no different. Those same girls who I thought were the models of humanity might have shared a platitude or two but for the most part, I kept to my corner. And ultimately I'm so glad that I did, because I was able to share wonderful conversation with my friend David, tidbits with Steven, and thoroughly enjoy the wit and humor of Becky and Janet. And all the while I felt these tuggings in my mind - I know that I had spoken to them before in high school. I remember liking them. And I can't for the life of me, now, understand why I didn't be who I was and hang with them - because I'm pretty sure that I have much more in common with them than I would ever have had with the rest. But I also know that I have spent much of my life with rigid boxes - compartmentalizing people in my life. I didn't have many classes with Janet or Becky or Christina -- and school was the extent of my social life - so if I didn't see you at school, well I didn't see you. And that was definitely a missed opportunity because I don't know if you've been privy to a conversation between Janet and Becky - but it's very very funny.
The answer to the second question is the same as the first. I had to have all those issues - those feelings of not being included or not fitting in to be able to evolve into who I am today - it's all wings of a butterfly causing hurricanes in Japan sort of stuff. My high school experience left me wide open for experiences during Junior Scholars and my freshman year at college. That summer that I was in Junior Scholars was the first time that I honestly realized that people could / would / wanted to like me. I try not to think about the fact that perhaps some of those people were also nerdy unliked at their school - so I won't. I prefer to think of them as creme de la creme of their school. But it didn't matter, really, because people my age thought i was interesting, funny and worthwhile. And that made a difference. And I spent much time thereafter trying to be the best person that I could be - and letting go of what other people thought of me. Those were the first steps on the journey toward I am who I am, and I like that.
I spent a lot of time thinking about who that person was this weekend. Who am I - what are my goals / aspirations, what are my beliefs, who do I want to be today and tomorrow.
I learned this weekend that I have not yet conquered the tendency to make sexual oriented comments when i'm nervous or uncomfortable. I talked about penises more this weekend than I have in 18 years -- The comments just kept coming out of my mouth and there was nothing that I can do.
I accepted this weekend that my idea of a good time at a party is sit with one or two people and chat and watch everyone else as they mingle in. And there is little that is more entertaining to watch than people who haven't seen each other in 20 years. I don't think that many people understand my enjoyment in that - and that's o.k. to each his own - and that's mine.
I realized that grown up parties are better than high school parties because when you know that no one is going to get drunk and make out - on the couch next to you, well you can relax and not worry about the uncomfortable everyone has a partner but me feeling that is one of the worst ever.
I learned that for the most part, I am still not a girlie girl. There are some girls / women that I enjoy talking to - and as I get older that number is increasing. But girlie girls and me - never the twain shall meet - really. I just don't get them.
I discovered this weekend that I apparently postively influenced several people's mathematical abilities. It's wierd that I don't remember that, except for Kris McGill. I remember helping her study all the time our senior year (advanced math). But Judy Lancaster said she remembered me helping her in math - and I didn't remember that - but was flattered that she remembered. Tommy Cassidy just remembered cutting up in class with me -- Apparently I was just a hit in math class -- it's wierd how selective memory can be.
and since i've adequately moved off topic entirely - I shall end here.
