O.K. I promise that eventually I'll let go of this reunion thing. But it seems that after angonizing about it for weeks and weeks, I'm doomed to think about it for a few days at least. I think that ultimately, there wasn't enough time to have the conversations that I wanted to have. I got to spend quite a bit of time with David Thomas. We had several enjoyable chats - or one long one -it doesn't really matter how that goes. But I enjoyed talking to him and felt that all that needed to be said, was said -- including acknowledgement of the night of chess tension that had me bookin' it out the door quicker than snot on a cold day. I wish that I could have had a nice sit down with Steven - and that didn't happen. And me being me - I wrote him a letter because I didn't get to talk - and then second guessed the letter - and am now trying to let it all go one way or the other. And Jim Jim had called and I wanted to talk to him more, couldn't because of the other conversations going on in the room and the phone being yanked from my hand. So I called and left a message - but he hasn't returned my call. And here I am again - back in my area of ineptitude - Trying to avoid my stalking behavior (no matter that it was successful with Jose - I still deeply feel that had he been aware of stalking legislation we most likely would not be married and I'd be someone's bitch in the big house - I can only hope that she'd have been cute). I wish I had one extra day and I would have talked to Andrea, Christina, Shannon, Karina, Janet and Becky a bit more - or gone to lunch somewhere and laughed and hee hawed over chinese buffet - or whatever was handy.
Does anyone else ever feel that way. Like you were having a great moment and then boom it was over and you weren't ready for it to be finished yet? And you want to somehow go back and grab a hold of it - let it last a little while longer. I think that's where I am - really. Just wanting for the night to not have ended - to say everything that I wanted and hear / learn new things. And it's gone - that moment - it's passed -- and the controlling, stubborn part of me wants to be stubborn and control it. And the rational - trying to be a grown up - part of me is trying to let it be and see where the cards fall. Which is so totally against my natural inclination it isn't funny.
If you want to know what is going to happen - I can make a prediction. Oh, I'll call and then I'll feel foolish and stupid - because like a true cancer (and you can check this out) we are pedastle people - you are wonderful, and perfect, and ideal, and can do no wrong -- we must worship you - hero worship and containers are our speciality - and then when humanity emerges it destroys the image and our hopes and dreams - it's a lot of pressure for someone really - though I suppose the upside is that we don't tell you that we are doing it - so you don't know when you have fallen off the pedastle upon which we've placed you.
It is my hope that by writing this down - that perhaps I've be able to overcome the demons / desires and have the patience to wait and see - but there's really no telling is there. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
